milflwyddol_anfodlonrwydd: (Default)

"omg lol i'm SUCH an insomniac bc i couldn't sleep until two, haha."

"insomnia isn't so bad if you have an amazing partner to look at until you fall asleep :)"

"i can't sleep, i must have insomnia, lol."


no, no, and no. stop it, you stupid child. you do not have insomnia because you can't sleep until two just because you were on your phone, you do not have insomnia just because you lost track of time while dicking around on the internet. insomnia is when you can't sleep even without the distraction of your phone or tablet, when you can't find a comfortable position to go to sleep, when you're lucky to get at least five hours of sleep a night, when you're even luckier to manage to get rest from that small amount.

now, i've only been tentatively diagnosed with parasomnia, a sleep disorder dealing with sleep talking/walking and nightmares/terrors. insomnia is merely an unwelcome side effect as my nightmares are so graphic and disgusting that i am terrified to go to sleep at night. i wake up during the night scared, the feeling that someone or something is in my room, waiting for me to open my eyes and view the monstrosity that it is. when i sleep in a place that is somewhere other than my room i can't sleep because i'm in unfamiliar territory and can't trust it or myself enough to go to sleep.

acting out my dreams is also something i'm plagued by. when my mum and i used to share a bed in my nana's condo, i woke up to find out that i punched her in the face because i dreamed about a sound that annoyed me. that when my nana and i shared a bed because i was scared to sleep, i kicked her multiple times because i was running away from something in a nightmare. 

when we visited my nana, i couldn't comfortably sleep in the living room by myself when i got older because i was terrified that there was something in the dark, lurking and waiting for me to sleep.

to put it simply: i can not sleep until i'm physically exhausted and can't stay awake any longer, and even then the nightmares seem to get worse, restarting the cycle.

i was addicted to caffeine until just recently, consuming around 200mg a day just to stay awake and i never questioned why. of course i wondered why when i sleep, i couldn't seem to ever feel rested, yet whenever i brought it up to my doctor, she was adamant that there was nothing wrong. and, of course, like an idiot, i believed her. i just needed more sleep, right?


it doesn't matter how many hours i sleep, i never seem to feel rested, my body is perpetually tired, probably due to the effects caffeine still has over my body. it sucks, to put it simply. melatonin, a natural sleep aide, also seems to make the nightmares worse. it's a no win situation.

and so, of course, it's very agitating to see people post about it as if it's a completely normal and fun thing to have when in reality, it's not. it's one of the banes of my existence, i wish i could be rid of it forever. stop romanticizing sleeping disorders unless it's sleep apnea or some shit, because that isn't as serious (well, it is, but it isn't detrimental to the person's sleep.)


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June 2017

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