milflwyddol_anfodlonrwydd: (Default)

"omg lol i'm SUCH an insomniac bc i couldn't sleep until two, haha."

"insomnia isn't so bad if you have an amazing partner to look at until you fall asleep :)"

"i can't sleep, i must have insomnia, lol."

 

no, no, and no. stop it, you stupid child. you do not have insomnia because you can't sleep until two just because you were on your phone, you do not have insomnia just because you lost track of time while dicking around on the internet. insomnia is when you can't sleep even without the distraction of your phone or tablet, when you can't find a comfortable position to go to sleep, when you're lucky to get at least five hours of sleep a night, when you're even luckier to manage to get rest from that small amount.

now, i've only been tentatively diagnosed with parasomnia, a sleep disorder dealing with sleep talking/walking and nightmares/terrors. insomnia is merely an unwelcome side effect as my nightmares are so graphic and disgusting that i am terrified to go to sleep at night. i wake up during the night scared, the feeling that someone or something is in my room, waiting for me to open my eyes and view the monstrosity that it is. when i sleep in a place that is somewhere other than my room i can't sleep because i'm in unfamiliar territory and can't trust it or myself enough to go to sleep.

acting out my dreams is also something i'm plagued by. when my mum and i used to share a bed in my nana's condo, i woke up to find out that i punched her in the face because i dreamed about a sound that annoyed me. that when my nana and i shared a bed because i was scared to sleep, i kicked her multiple times because i was running away from something in a nightmare. 

when we visited my nana, i couldn't comfortably sleep in the living room by myself when i got older because i was terrified that there was something in the dark, lurking and waiting for me to sleep.

to put it simply: i can not sleep until i'm physically exhausted and can't stay awake any longer, and even then the nightmares seem to get worse, restarting the cycle.

i was addicted to caffeine until just recently, consuming around 200mg a day just to stay awake and i never questioned why. of course i wondered why when i sleep, i couldn't seem to ever feel rested, yet whenever i brought it up to my doctor, she was adamant that there was nothing wrong. and, of course, like an idiot, i believed her. i just needed more sleep, right?

wrong.

it doesn't matter how many hours i sleep, i never seem to feel rested, my body is perpetually tired, probably due to the effects caffeine still has over my body. it sucks, to put it simply. melatonin, a natural sleep aide, also seems to make the nightmares worse. it's a no win situation.

and so, of course, it's very agitating to see people post about it as if it's a completely normal and fun thing to have when in reality, it's not. it's one of the banes of my existence, i wish i could be rid of it forever. stop romanticizing sleeping disorders unless it's sleep apnea or some shit, because that isn't as serious (well, it is, but it isn't detrimental to the person's sleep.)

milflwyddol_anfodlonrwydd: (Default)

"it doesn't count"

i've heard this time and time again when i mention that my father is british and that, technically, i am mixed. it's the truth, i'm english, welsh, and irish-hungarian-american. if you call any of those groups the same, you'll get your ass kicked. the other ethnic groups in the british isles hate being compared to the english as, spoiler alert, they are not the same. they have different cultures and, once upon a time, different languages. hell, they still do. welsh was a dying language that is now seeing a resurgence and irish gaelic is still used to this day.

i am tired of hearing that i only have one ethnic background because the colour of my skin is pasty white and i speak english for my first language, that my father and mother are white. that is utterly ridiculous as they are completely different in background, my mother being raised in a primarily irish household and my father being born in england and raised in wales, his first language being welsh. he would laugh if you called him irish-hungarian.

it would be like comparing kenyans to south africans, or the japanese and koreans, calling them all the same.

just because the colour of my skin may be white, my background is mixed.

it's the same when i point out that i do have my own culture, being raised in an anglo-irish household my entire life, and then hearing "it doesn't count" because i "don't have the accent."

okay? you don't have a japanese first or last name and you can't speak a single word of japanese, so i guess you're just american :^) but of course, i'm the asshole for pointing that out. even if you look like a certain ethnic group but you don't make the effort to connect to your roots and learn where you came from, you have no right to claim that i can't connect to mine just because i don't have something as trivial as a permanent accent.

just because you are an anglophile and speak in a butchered "oxford" accent doesn't mean you can force me away from my heritage. i hate to break it to you, but the british isles isn't a diverse place of people with funny accents, it's a land with it's own culture and it's own language. just because you wear the costume doesn't mean you belong.

speaking of- if it's so wrong to wear something from another culture, why the fuck is it okay to wear mine? "because britain colonized half the world!!!" you may scream, but that doesn't make any sense. if we go by that logic, you would be all over grecian and mediterranean culture as well, seeing as how the roman empire was just as big.but of course you aren't, it isn't as fun. 

fuck you for taking my culture from me and fuck you for calling me evil just for being white, despite the fact that the culture you love so much is primarily, get this, white. what a fucking shock.

at least i'm learning how to speak my father's first language and my ancestors language.

love,

anfodlonrwydd

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June 2017

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